So much has happened since I last wrote, I almost don't know where to start. This summer has brought so many new experiences.

My social life..well, hasn't advanced as much as I'd like. Along the way I've gained a friend, lost a friend, so pretty much a wash? I had my first 'experience' with a guy, but I guess that's about all I'll elaborate on that. Still no boyfriend, and still wishing on a star for one. But why?? I can be perfectly happy on my own, can't I. Just need to stick to the things that make me happy and keep trying to make new friends, and keep them. At this point it almost feels harder to keep friends than to make new ones.

Well, this first new 'friend' that I made, kinda used me in a way, as a ride to this gay club I was going to, but hey, at least I got to go, and he was pretty cool. Plus, he got me a few drinks, and helped to instruct me a bit on how to buy drinks, and the various kinds of drinks. Going up to the bar and ordering was so embarassing as I'd no idea what any of the drinks were. I later 'went drinking' with this other guy, the one who'd hit on me in the previous post. I drank a lot that night, and needless to say, I knew that was too much. But for awhile, it was kinda nice, made me feel socially uninhibited and almost totally free for once, before the warm vibrations running up and down my entire body and the mind-numbing pseudo-paralysis kicked in after that last mojito. Yes, I'd finally found my drinking limits.

Anyway, the gay club, or the several I've been to, have been so exciting. I won't say they were the most fun, but just being somewhere with the possibility of being hit on for the first time in my entire life, and by cute guys no less!, was exhilarating. My friend taught me all about 'the look' and how you could tell if a guy was checking you out, and all the protocol like how you're supposed to look back and try and impress them in some way. well, needless to say, I had zero dancing skills and I was too shy to look back so I kinda just looked down when this reallly cute guy kept checking me out. But then I saw him hitting on this other dude so I didn't feel so bad. But ahh, cute guys! Lots of them, and so attractive and well-dressed and comfortable in their skin and great dancers. Made me swell with pride, and made me want to be OF them, just one of those beautiful well-dressed creatures.

Oh, and then there was this other guy I met through a tennis match, of all places. He was kinda hot, and we went to Makapuu on the hike at sunset, when there a breeze, and it was absolutely one of the most beautiful, romantic experiences I've ever had, except I didn't feel all that romantically inclined with the guy. He had an amazing car though, and then we ended up going to this gay bar later, which was really my first time. Then later I ended up realizing he only wanted to hook up, so it's now pretty much over with that dude.

But my favorite part of the whole summer, hands down, was going to New York City for the US Open of tennis with my best friend. It was literally a whirlwind, as we left friday after school, and were back on next monday for school. We ended up seeing the world trade center site, the museum of modern art, times square, eating delicious pasta in little italy at a block party, and seeing mamma mia on broadway (SUCH an obsessive Abba/mamma mia fan). and eating at the most amazing mcdonald's I've ever been in at 1 am, and learning to ride subways and trains. The only thing is I didn't get to see so many things, like the New York Public Library (one of my dream places), Central Park, the Museum of Natural History, the Statue of Liberty, and many other places. But we did what we could with that time. Certainly enough to realize how much I loved that place and possibly want to live there in the future. It was just the most exciting, breathtaking place I've ever been. So alive and something always going on, and so many people! Sigh, and walking through the streets, just another person and feeling almost like a new yorker, like I'd seen romanticized in so many movies. It was a dream come true. And the tennis was just the added bonus, although it was originally my main reason for going.

I've also started my own little garden. I couldn't get over this scene, or the general atmosphere of the anime Revolutionary Girl Utena out of my head, with its glamorous, elegant characters, piano sonnets, and taking tea in rose gardens. And suddenly I just felt the urge to have my own little area of pretty flowers because yes, I like pretty, colorful objects. If not a rose garden, then at least plants that I find aesthetically pleasing and comforting. Plus I just like plants these days, and they help keep the air clean. So I went out to this charming little nursery in Hawaii Kai and bought a bunch of plants I liked, including a hawaiian rose plant and a miniature rose (so cute, my personal favorite of the bunch), plumeria, and yellow-reddish hibiscus. Last weekend I went back and bought some rosemary as I felt I should get a plant that actually has some functional use, gardenia because of its gorgeous smell, and this little daisy-ish flower that I forget to get the name of that has a nice orange/reddish hue. I love my little garden now, and wanna keep buying more plants from that nursery to make sure they stay open. Plus the drive is nice.

Other than that, I've been playing a lot of tennis this summer, and I've been winning matches finally. It feels so satisfying that I'm finally getting better and getting some great results after not winning a whole match last year. Sigh, I just want to keep playing and improving. If I could play all day I would, it's one of the few places I feel truly content and alive. In another life I would be a professional tennis player...

Tags: life, summer
Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: Nellie McKay - If I Ever Had a Dream

Once again it's summer and, unwittingly, I've already been thrust back into the world of dates.

Last week I met this guy online, and then I thought I might be interested in him, because he seemed cool and he seemed different. Well, he's certainly very smart, and reads textbooks on his own time for his personal study purposes, and shows a really impressive grasp of whatever issue I through at him, from politics to whatever. And he has really cool hair. He kinda has this phohawk thing going on. Seems like the kind of thing I would do if I thought I could pull it off and actually had the guts to do it.

So the first time we just went to Bubby's Varsity and then after to this cute little Indian market with all kinds of spices and dried ingredients I'd never even heard of before. Yet he knew exactly what he wanted and acted as if he was like a kid in a candy shop. I was impressed and kind of in awe. He's also a cook, and applying for culinary school. Probably cooks a mean meal.

So I thought I might be into him, but then we met the second time, went to curry house and a movie. It started off alright, but then at some point I just realized, I wasn't that into him. Unfortunately, he seemed to be moving in the opposite direction. At curry house, he was trying to touch my feet with his under the table. That was just a sign of things to come, but that was already making me a bit uncomfortable, especially with people right at the next table.

I thought it was just maybe a fluke and he wouldn't do that again. But then we went into the movie theater and it got worse. He grabbed my hand and started running his fingers over it, and then later did the same with my leg and arm.

Thank god we were in the back of the theater and it was relatively empty. But I was really, really uncomfortable and felt almost violated. Maybe it's just that I'm especially uptight since I've never been touched like that, or in a situation like that before. But it was getting me a little aroused..and I didn't like it. So I pulled away at one point, and for the rest of the time I was a bit cold to him. Maybe a bit too much, but I wanted to let him know, I felt what he did was rude and uncalled for.

And then in the stairwell, and another wrong decision on my part, he pulled me close to him and I thought he was actually going to kiss me, but then he just touched my forehead with his. I pulled myself away and kept on walking. After that I just wanted to be away from him and forget this even happened. So I asked him where he wanted to be dropped off and went off.

It was an incredibly awkward experience, to say the least, and what a beginning to my summer. Summer always seems to be the time when these dates suddenly seem to just fall from the sky. I suppose it really is true that things will come to you when you're ready and available. For now, I just can't wait to get to the next date and get the taste of this one out of my mouth.

Tags: dates
Current Music: Ciara - Like a Surgeon

So I made my final decision to just stick with where I'm going now. At least now I can put all my energies into doing as well as I can and not have that extra anxiety about what to major in. Of course there's still the issue of working on getting a scholarship to try and cut the burden on my parents as much as possible, and also find a way to possibly intern somewhere to get hands-on experience. For the former, I at least already inquired at the student services office, and they told me that come fall semester when I'm formally accepted into the college of business, I'll start receiving the email newsletter that tells me about scholarships available and/or any internship opportunities. So that sounds great and she mentioned that the scholarships aren't available yet anyway. As for the latter, my dad has a friend that works as a CFO at some hotel, and he said he might be able to ask the friend and see if I can possibly intern there for the summer or something. That would be really great, and since my dad has the connection, I figure I might as well use it. Hopefully this thing goes through.

Other than that I'll just be working 20 hours a week at my job, and taking a summer course, for at least the first half of the summer. The second half should provide some much needed relaxation and recovery. I'm seeing a lot of reading and hiking and tennis and just not thinking about school. I'll be optimistic and looking forward to that til then.

In other news, my sore throat/cold-ish thing has apparently returned, but hopefully will remove itself politely before finals week begins. At least I won't have work for a whole week, definitely looking forward to that.

Tomorrow, will attempt to borrow dad's car and drop him off at work in the morning so that I can use the car all day. I have an assignment for a class that needs to be finished and dropped off, and also several questions for the prof. Then need to get back home asap to finish up my english paper which is due tomorrow. Luckily, I'm mostly finished with it already, just need some polishing up, especially after she scared the class this morning and said she'd grade these papers extra hard since we have no actual final exam. Must proofread for too long sentences and paragraphs and also my problem of starting off sentences with 'This...' and neglecting to put an object noun that the this refers to. Polisci paper is due on Monday...dreading it, haven't started on it yet, save for the bare bones messy outline I made for the presentation last week..

But hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to get out to waikele to the shoe shop there to find the pair of Nikes I've been searching for. My current shoes, which I love dearly, are unfortunately sporting severe holes on both sides of both shoes. I saw a girl sporting a really cute pair of light blue nikes the other day and have singlemindedly wanted them ever since. Looked online and it seems that the shoes are only for women. However, I'm still seriously debating getting it, or a men's pair of similar design and color. Hopefully I find something, but I don't want to spend too much. I just placed another order at gap.com tonight.

Tags: college life, finals
Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Big Bang - Lollipop | Powered by Last.fm

Thinking about the future is one of my least favorite things to do. I just have never been one who likes to think too much ahead, and planning things has always been a problem for me. I like to have things set out and then just take things one step at a time and deal with it as it comes along.

Once again, in my college career, I am entertaining uncertainties about my future and what I picture myself doing. But this time it's different, and it feels like it's really time to commit and just go forward with what I have. There's simply not enough time, and resources are limited. Time to just do what I do best and put my all into things, and things will be fine.

But even then there's seemingly endless things to think about. This summer, I've already registered for one session of summer school, and will work 20 hours a week. But I also have to look into what scholarships I can get, to try and cut costs as much as possible, and I'm sure here is where my grades and hard work should count for something. I also have to look into internships and getting some firsthand experience to see if accounting is really what I want to go into. But is business really who I am? I just keep hearing it's so competitive and you have to know people and have connections and join one of the business clubs and network. And ugh, that's just so not my thing. Selling myself and meeting people have never been my strong suits, let's just say. If I can get by with just working as hard as I can and getting as good grades as I can, and getting field experience, then I'll try as much as possible to do that.

But no time for worrying, I need to just focus on the task at hand and finish out this semester. Still have 2 papers and 2 finals left, which is..well, at least the presentations are over with and I'm a confident test-taker. And then I get a week break.

Without the difficult/stressful moments the quiet moments would seem less blissful...

Tags: college life
Current Mood: intimidated
Current Music: rachael yamagata - sunday morning

I suddenly have the urge to write again so here goes.

Some interesting things have happened since last I wrote. The summer has been very restful and pleasant.

After going for pretty much 3 semesters straight if you include the first session of summer classes, I finally had a break from about mid July to late August where I didn't have to think or worry about anything. I spent the time reading a lot, playing a lot of tennis(my new addiction), and just working and saving up money for the bi-annual textbook splurge come August. I even met with my friend(whom I would probably consider my closest or 'best' friend at this point) and we did a lot of hiking and had fun playing tennis. I even got involved in a tennis league with my dad and we played doubles. I hadn't picked up a racket since about middle school, so it was exhilarating to be playing a sport again and seeing my accuracy and playing improve the more I played.

Watching professional tennis has also become another addiction of mine. I've even adopted several stars on the female and the men's side to follow and cheer on. Nadal and Sharapova/Ivanovic/Jankovic on the women's side have kept me glued to my tv screen all this summer with the olympics, the french open, and now the US Open.

Has the couch potato officially become the sporting type?

Not quite. It just so happens that the only sporting events that I actually watch, like the Olympics and tennis, all seemed to coincide at the same moment, lucky enough for me.

And I've adopted a new mindset where it's ok to get physical, it feels like my life is more complete and whole when I'm out on the court, and I just forget everything and have fun. There's that post-tennis high also, where you feel accomplished and you feel healthy, and it's nice.

Most notably this summer, my friend and I scaled two high peaks, one being one of the ridges of the Ko'olau Range near Aiea, and the other Koko Head. Both scared the shit out of me, for different reasons, but both were more excitement and adventure than this sheltered soul is used to in just one day, but were great excercise and wonderful opportunities to get to know my friend better and to feel that irreplaceable refreshing feeling of being surrounded by only nature.

In other news, I've started dating. Yes, the unthinkable has started to happen. Mind you, these dates mainly consist of conversation, walks, and movies, and nothing more serious, and several of them have ended in disaster. But there's this guy I really like and that I'm still kind of 'seeing', and in the beginning, the feeling of liking someone a lot and having that returned to you was one of the most magical feelings I've experienced. And yet I can still sense I have relationship issues with others, and I can only get so close and show so much emotion when I'm with someone in such a situation that calls for showing some emotion. I just have no experience with these kinds of situations and it just ends up being incredibly awkward and uncomfortable.

But, it's a start. And I hope I can keep seeing this guy, and if not, that I can keep meeting more great guys and getting more experience in this totally unfamiliar area.

Tags: new semester, olympics, relationships
Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Maaya Sakamoto - Call to Me

And so as I begin my descent into the seemingly neverending abyss of Finals Week, I find myself deeply in meditation about the state of relationships, my own and of others.

I was talking nearly all night with a friend about his break up and about his painful withdrawal from the relationship, and also what he should do moving forward. At the end, he thanked me for the talk, and it made me feel really good about myself, and it confirmed to me that I like listening to other people's problems, especially those dealing with human relationships, which endlessly fascinate me; that I am a listener; and forced me to think about the state of my own relationships and re-evaluate my feelings about relationships.

Sure I may not be 'getting any' in the relationship department, but at the very least I feel like I'm in one of those temporary moments of inner peace, at least regarding relationships. As I've gotten older, and since first coming out, it feels as if I've become more mature about just wanting to get with someone. I feel more accepting of the way things are, more patient, and that things will happen for a reason. And besides, I've got school to worry about. I have to remind myself that it's not even me that's fully financing my semesters. When I recently had to cut a class from my summer school because of the steep price, I realized just how much is at stake here, and how much of my time right now is not being paid for with my own hard-earned cash.

Watching my new favorite show and obsession, Sex and the City, on youtube, and reading the book Free Food for Millionaires by Min Jin Lee has allowed me to escape my own negative thoughts on the subject and has taught me so much about relationships. Sex and the City alone has become one of my greatest guilty pleasures, and contains some of the most surprising wisdom I've found anywhere: that everyone has relationship problems and we're all just trying to find mr. and mrs. right, and that finding the right one doesn't have to, and in many cases won't come immediately. It's a long process and in the meantime, just going out and enjoying yourself with friends and forgetting things for a while can work wonders.

I hate to espouse the wonders of hanging out with friends, since many times friendships, as with other relationships can be so fleeting and brief. My friend hasn't been answering my calls, and yet I've been trying my best to tell myself to not take it personally, at least not immediately. Wait and let things happen on their own. I've not been seeing him in the chatroom which was our primary source of communication, and I know that he'd been busy with his job, so I'm actually more worried than anything else.

Lately I've been working on my self-confidence, and loving myself more, and I think it's been working. When I walk, I've been trying to keep my head up and look forward, and project a more confident image. I've taken to speaking louder with people, and self-censoring less. And just more and more trying to adopt a more positive thinking that not everyone is out to hurt me. It's all been little things like that, but they've made a world of difference. And I've been trying to stop relying on working out so much as an outlet for my self-confidence. Listening to my friend, I realized that if I can't even be happy with my own self as is, then how can I ever expect to find a relationship. What I need to work on is my confidence, and to appreciate more the gifts I already have. I AM a beautiful person inside, and if someone can't appreciate me for who I am, without having to change myself, then maybe I'm better off just not being with such a person. In a way, it's the best possible way to weed out the wrong people.

Confidence is that undefinable quality, that x-factor that we all say we want but we can't quite figure out what we mean. Confidence is the reason some people attract others more than we'd like. And confidence is the key to feeling better about one's self and to avoid self-destruction. Now I don't even mean over-confidence, or looking frumpy and totally not caring about how you look. Naturally people want to look good, and you don't have to overdo it with the confidence to the point where it becomes an ego, but maybe it's better to just feel comfortable in your own skin and better about who you are, and not rely on the physical effects so much. I should feel that I want to work out because it makes me feel good and it's good for my health. Not because it'll make me hotter so I have more suitors to choose from.

Tags: confidence, finals, relationships
Current Mood: contemplative

Once again I feel myself in emotional turmoil.

It's like every few weeks, days even, a rainstorm comes over me and envelops me. I just begin to feel so hopeless and lost.

My midterms are now past, my stress level has gone down somewhat. I'm getting As in all my classes, which is my usual barometer for success in school. Although I do have a speech coming up and am currently in the process of writing it.

But I'm still staying up til 3am, not sure what to do with myself, just not wanting to go to school tomorrow; absolutely dreading it and just not wanting to think about school at all.

As I was talking to this guy I used to have a crush on, and still kinda do, I was realizing how much I just wanted, needed someone who shares my interests, and is always there for me to talk to. But what also depressed me is I realized how much I just don't get along with him, and I ended up offending him with my overly-opinionated, slightly emotional nature. I just get so into it, and end up arguing all the time. I just can't help it, but it frustrates me. And I realized, I can't keep pushing my politics on people. But I want...so badly to have someone to talk with about politics. Politics is my passion, and I feel a need, an urge, to talk to someone about it, vent my frustrations, and who shares my passion and intense interest in it.

I'm getting those desperately lonely feelings increasingly. I just have the urge to be around someone, anyone for just a little while, just to have their company. But when I think of the ideal relationship for me, I think of someone who you can talk to about your passions and about all your feelings, someone who understands you and appreciates you for all your faults, and is perfectly content just to be around you. And of course that person would feel happy just to be with you, just to be in your company..

But I'm feeling so hopeless and depressed about relationships. It just seems to me so hard to me to find just one person you get along with, much less who clicks with you on all the levels necessary for a relationship. When I think about it, and how realistically, relationships are really about finding people who are imperfect, but whom you can see past their imperfections and appreciate them for what they are, it seems to me to be one of the hardest, bleakest things in life. Maybe I shouldn't think about it so much.. Let fate do its thing. But it's so stressful to be thinking about that when you have school work constantly nagging away at your thoughts.

Speaking of politics, I feel so down about it. The candidate I have supported, the candidate I have put all my hopes, dreams into during this entire past year, seems to be crashing and burning. But it's not only that, it's the way in which things happened, the way I perceive things that forces out of her control, and indeed, sometimes it feels like she has the whole world against her.

To you it may seem silly that I should get depressed and so incredibly sad over a candidate in an election, in something so supposedly dispassionate as politics. But for a year I really lived and breathed this political race. It consumed me and became my whole life. Everyday after I got home, I would rush to my computer to see the latest news, who was up, who was down , who said this, who said that. I lived from one debate to the next, cheering my candidate and investing thoughts and feelings, into her success. I felt like I was beginning to know this person, this person so universally demonized and hated upon, and bashed. I felt like I could relate to her in some way, at least as an outsider looking in and trying my best as much as I could.

To now see things go down in flames just saddens me to no end, and feels somehow symbolic. But what frustrates me is that it wasn't really through any fault of her own. To think that someone who works so hard, and yet still can't overcome the insurmountable odds. It's dispiriting, to say the least.

I am now fully convinced that fate is at work in life. We are led to certain outcomes, and we are led through events to encounters with people and events. The other day, events lined up perfectly, so that I would meet a person at just the right time. And this has happened before. Sometimes things just line up just so that you get one rewarding moment where everything was worth it; all the suffering and the hard times.

So I'm just waiting for tomorrow and the knowledge that things will forever be changing, and somehow fate will lead me to just that right moment, and all this will have been worth it. and I'm actually confident it will.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Jordin Sparks - One Step At A Time

So my short 2 exam blitz is finally over. Conventional wisdom says that I should feel incredibly relieved after 2 days of pretty much nonstop studying, and in a way I do.

And yet, there's a void now that all my powers aren't focused on one thing.

Sometimes I seriously wonder if I'm really, genuinely clinically depressed. When I went in for my free medical assessment thing for HMSA, they had me fill out this questionaire, and part of the questions asked about mental wellness and depression. My answers indicated that I might possibly be clinically depressed. And when I looked through the brochure with my mom, I was pretty much able to check off all the symptoms.

From not being able to sleep, to feeling down almost constantly, etc. I've never felt driven to the point of suicide, but sometimes I just feel so hopeless and numb that I don't know what to do with myself. And I don't know what's worse sometimes.

It's not that I don't know where it comes from. I know that a lot of it's from my extreme lack of self-confidence and image problems. I just hate myself sometimes and I feel like the most boring, soulless person alive. When I see others smiling and laughing so naturally, and I can't even let myself out and say what I'm thinking. And when I talk with others, I can't even make any impression, and I feel like I'm so dull that I could just drop off the face of the world and no one would even notice or care.

So what I've taken to doing in college is to pretty much compensate by putting up this false facade of being the always on top student, the one that doesn't deal with pesky personal relationships and always knows what to say in class and always has the right answer. To some extent I'm able to do that, and I love the feeling of truly excelling in all my classes and expecting a certain standard of myself.

And yet..at the end of the day I feel so desolate and empty. What does it all amount to in the end? I'm so uptight and uncomfortable with myself in public, that no one even wants to talk to me or even approach me. People would rather just not deal with people like that anyway. Besides, when I'm in public, I put up this whole aloof appearance, with a permanently unhappy expression glued on my face. I won't even allow myself to smile, because I feel like others will look at me like some idiot who has no reason to smile. He's a hermit loner with no friends, what reason does he have to smile?

I mean, that's how bad it is.

I just don't know what to do with myself, but I'm past the point of crying. I used to do it nearly every night, but now I'm so hardened to everything I just deal with it. Sometimes I feel so lonely and desperate just for someone, anyone to talk to, to just be with all the time.. And I know it's not normal, and it's certainly not healthy.

If you can believe it, it's mostly the only reason I want to be in a relationship so badly. Sometimes the thought of just being with someone, almost anyone as long as I could get along with them at least decently, consumes my whole thinking.

When I think of it, I can't believe I've gotten to this point, and it makes me even more depressed about myself.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Mika Nakashima - Eien no Uta

Another short story.

Wow, I have no idea why I have the sudden urge to write and express myself creatively somehow, but hey, I don't see how it's a bad thing.

I saw this BBC clip on youtube a while ago of a man with probably the shortest memory in the world, maybe a matter of minutes and he would blank out and reset.

It's been in the back of my mind ever since and just today I decided I wanted to write something about it. It was just so tragic and haunting. I knew I had to express how I felt about it in some way.

Here's the story I came up with:

Memory

Somewhere, flashes and shards of light flowing out of the dark.

He feels them against his skin, so warm. But yet, he can't be sure of anything anymore. His life is lived in glances, in moments, in seconds flat a lifetime is lived and dead.

He's waking up, but is he really waking up? Memories of the past are really the only things we really have. The only concrete evidence that we really ever existed at all. He feels like he's waking up from a nightmare just to find that he's in yet another one, like one of those Russian nested dolls. But without the relief that comes with knowing where you're going; that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

He knows that there's more to life, but all he really knows for certain is music. Life lived through notes, melodies floating through the void of time and space and darkness. His piano, in concert with his hands, producing the same haunted melody over and over are the only things stringing together his very soul.

He gets out of bed, walks to the door. Why am I at the door? What do doors do?

Disoriented and already reeling, he sits at a chair the next moment, unsure of what else to do with himself. He stares into space. He sits for hours.

She walks in. It is his beloved wife and he jumps up to greet her. In the wasteland that is his mind, he hasn't seen her since....since forever. It's been so long and he misses her deeply. More deeply than he believed he could ever feel for anyone in his fogged out state. She appears just as happy to see him and the two have a short conversation.

She mentions about his daughter, that he has one, and that she has left on vacation for France. Oh, is that so, he says, how nice.

Where did our daughter go, dear? She inquires a second later. "I haven't the faintest idea, but dear, you look lovely today." And he smiles and she smiles back at him. He loves her more than she could ever know. It is the only thing he knows. His feelings so entrenched and buried within himself, his corrupted memory can't even tamper with it. It is the thing he is grateful for.

Time passes, the day grows dark. It is night. He opens the door, and there she is, his wonderful wife. He knows not where she's been for so long, but she is here now and to him, that is all that matters. He sits at the piano, the notes flowing out of his soul and she sits and watches. Tears, but tears of joy.

Tags: memory, short story
Current Location: home
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Utada Hikaru - Passion

A story I came up with purely on the spur of the moment. I was just brushing my teeth last night, and a whole bunch of ideas were still stewing in my head that day.

Yesterday was the historic first ever presidential candidate forum on gay issues, attended by the main dem candidates for prez. They made a big deal about it, and I watched clips of it, since I don't have Logo, the gay-themed network that was running the forum. One of the clips that really stood out to me was the New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson being asked by gay rocker Melissa Etheridge "Do you think homosexuality is a choice?...Like, do you think when we get to 7th grade we suddenly just say, I wanna be gay?" Or something to that effect. Richardson was obviously flustered and didn't quite know how to answer the question. He dodged by saying he wasn't a scientist, and this was not just an issue of gay people and straight people, it was about equality. Or something like that.

His campaign issued a statement the day after 'clarifying' his statement and that he never thought that homosexuality is a choice.

After thinking about it all day, this is the story that was bourne out of it:

The Choice

He just sat there, staring out his window.
Day after day, night after night. Well, it was all the same to him. All he could hear were the noises of the cars and the strains of his music coming out of the speakers. He watched the people below, like insignificant ants, each with their own agenda and their own lives. He liked imagining their stories, their forms of escape; in what way they indulged themselves and if they were happy: really, truly, incandescently happy. Tomorrow would be another day, he told himself.
6 o'clock, his head pounding, throbbing. Screams from downstairs. Throwing on clothes, going through the motions. Coffee to stay sane, and a jog out of the area. At school, pats on the back, so impersonal and yet he was the school's sweetheart. On some superficial level, everyone loved him, and yet everyone in their heart of hearts really hated him. Did that make much sense to him? Not really, but nothing about high school really did make much sense. He wasn't there to think, he was there to do his parent's bidding, to make them proud. It was really the only self-worth he had, and his parents lived vicariously through him.
And so, the day went exactly according to plan, be here at a certain time, information received, follow prescribed path to next stop, be there, and you shall receive. At feeding time, stand in the queue, receive your slop, don't ask don't tell, and sit with your group, 'the gang' as Joe, the boy that sits next him in history class so affectionately dubbed it. What was the news of the day? Jill wasn't in class today. She was at home, lamenting over the fact that it wasn't arriving. The red burst of color, it pained her now, the sheer nothingness staring her in the face. And now Jim, the boy who sat on the other side in history was clapping Joe on the back. Joe was laughing and going around the circle high-fiving. He laughed along, and he kept laughing as he left for class.
And then after school, like clockwork, there she was, or wasn't. He wished that just for once she would just not be there, that for once she had something better to do, would deviate from the schedule in some way. But there she was, but did it really matter? He walked up until he was right beside her. They held hands and went through the gestures. She told him how much he meant to her, how much she'd been wanting to see him all day.

He thought that it was just that he was tired of it all. It wasn't that he was particularly depressed or contemplating staging a massive coup, and anyway, who would the coup be staged against. He really didn't know, nor did he care to think about it. He reiterated to himself that he wasn't here to think, he was here to stare out the window at the lives of other's, lives he wasn't living. He didn't even wonder what his body would feel like as it struck the ground. In fact, that kind of thinking struck him as cliched and overly dramatic. He didn't have many opinions or feeling towards much of anything. But he knew he hated theatrics.
He decided he would make the change. It was his choice, and no one else's. What did he have to lose? Everything seemed to be better when he thought of what could and would be tomorrow.
And it was so simple, so incredibly, ridiculously simple. He just thought real hard about what he wanted, and when he woke up, it would all be okay, or at least he would feel something.

6 o'clock. Screaming, coffee, jog. He was there at school, his head was a rush, but here he was. He felt the same, but, no, it wasn't the same. Why did he feel so content, so optimistic, so bubbly, so fruity, and so...he was feeling something. He walked into art class and suddenly the ceiling opened up. Vision and creativity rained down on him from the open ceiling above. In colors and swirls and twists and turns unlike the world had ever seen. This he unleashed on the canvas, and it would go on the bulletin board in the hallway. It would adorn the school's entrance like an explosion of inspiration for all who laid eyes on it. A reminder of what the school could accomplish when nurtured by the wonderful staff and community. But most of the students agreed, it stood out like the most flamboyant pink feather boa on a 30 year old rhino of a computer programmer named Steve.
He followed the schedule as usual, it took him to history, where the stares wouldn't stop. There was a fire that was ignited. Every stare, every prickling, stomach-turning glance added more fuel. What was it? He certainly felt the same, and yet, why the infernal glances. Almost like he wasn't human. They had the right to stare, didn't they? And yet, he felt the violent chaos inside. He wished he could rip their eyes straight out of their sockets. The choice? Right, that had to be it. But he didn't understand, this was certainly not in the plans, this was not part of the deal. He goes to lunch, Joe and Jamie are over on the other side laughing, at their usual spot. He goes over, utters a greeting. Silence. Stares, back and forth. He asks Joe who'd stayed home that day. Joe: more stares, more back and forth looks. Suddenly a sickeningly disgusting snicker appears on Jack's face, it spreads like wildfire. All of them are looking at him now and he felt sick. Jim starts speaking to him, but it's in an ugly, wavering tone. Where has this come from? Disoriented, he walks back to class. On the way, people stop and they stare. And they keep at it, the stares burning a hole in him and stoking the flames inside. He is about explode with anger and pain and a torrent of emotions. He walks into class and sits alone. A couple sits in the corner, their tongues traveling back and forth. He sits there staring at the boy. A new fire, but he puts it out as quickly as possible.
After school, she's there, but the faces, faces and eyes everywhere. She turns and runs.
That night, walking along, he just chances on someone at the bus stop. They're drawn to each other and they agree to meet up that night at a restaurant.
He arrives early, the table set up immaculately, just like how he is dressed. From head to toe he is the picture of male perfection and all eyes are once again on him. The guy from the bus stop arrives. He sits at the table. Their discussion is strained. This is extremely uncomfortable for both of them. He's never been a meek or anxious person but, oh would they just mind their own business?! He couldn't concentrate even if they weren't so interested and seemingly amused at his every action, his every movement, and his every word spoken. He had noticed that his voice had gone up to helium-high levels and certain alien sounds were slithering out of his mouth. It made him want to turn off the volume on his voice, but then bus stop boy couldn't hear what he was saying and it just aggravated him all the more. The thing was a disaster. He sat there at the table, the rose placed in a glass of water, petals falling around. Bus stop boy walking away, forever? Who knew. He watched until the figure blurred out of existence.

That night, perched at his window, he chose. Like a switch, he flipped it again.

6 o'clock. The screaming, heading pounding, jogging. Be here, the information and wisdom will be imparted to you. Conveyor belt carries you to stop B. The food was terrible, the laughs even moreso. Canned laughter, Jill never came back to school. There she waits after school, arm in arm, all eyes on them in adoration. They can do no wrong. He feels nothing, but his parents do. He'll go on. They'll pay him for his wonderful athletic talent, his mediocre grades, and his docile nature. Everyone likes him. Everyone loves him, and he likes it that way. He knows that he should and so he believes it.

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